


Amen // So(ul) Be It

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [11]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, I think I'm gonna start working off those clichee fanfiction tropes one by one, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, it's a multi chapter fic, who would have thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-04-29 19:52:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14479968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: The Jesus/Judas multi-chapter angst/fluff/angst soul-mate fic that popped into my head out of nowhere. Only Chapter 6 contains explicit content.





	1. Chapter 1

Judas had not always been the odd one out. Some people were born with soul-marks, they were thought to be special, such a strong personality that they could be matched to one person from the very start of their lives. Back then Judas had been normal. He was born without a soul-mark, a healthy baby boy, growing up as the oldest of several children. The majority of people got their soul-marks when they were between five and fifteen years old, when their personalities developed, when they became the person they would continue to be as adults. In some rare cases, people were twenty when it happened, but he had never heard of somebody that was older than twenty-two when they got theirs.

So on his twenty-third birthday, when the skin on his body was marked by bruises, sunburns and scars but not a soul-mark, he was sure he would never get one. He had started to wonder before, if he was to be one of those few, who were not bound to anybody. But now his suspicions were confirmed and as if the twenty-three was a set mark, he took this as a fact and went on with his life, hard as it was, without hope to find ‘the one’ for himself. He took work wherever he could find it.

His parents had never given him special attention, Judas had always been working, since he was a child. When his father started drinking more and working less, and when even his mother turned against him, abusing him more verbally, emotionally, not least about his missing soul-mark, Judas knew he needed to leave. Shortly after turning thirteen, he ran away after his father beat him; since then he had made a living, tried many things, begging, fishing and when he was near the point of starving one winter he had started selling his body. It had been horrible, but the alternative was starving and freezing in the streets; the winter had been the hardest in a long time, so Judas suffered through it, carrying away the bruises, all the pain, the humiliation, shame. But that winter had been the first time he had ever been glad, almost grateful, not to have a soul-mate.

But if Judas was one thing, he was a fighter and he fought his way through everything life threw in his way, moving on, but never forgetting. He also stayed alone for most of his life, sometimes somebody showed some interest in him, but Judas’ mind and soul completely blanked when it came to emotions and when he only thought about having somebody touch him, he wanted to throw up.

He only ever met one other person without a soul-mark, and they went on to become close friends.

From that time on, Judas had somebody to confide in for the first time in his life, somebody to be there for him, keep him company, to support him. Simon was a great friend to Judas with a similar past, his parents died when he was fifteen and he had been on his own until he met the twenty-four year old Judas seven years later. It took them both a long time to warm up to each other, they had spent too long on their own, not easily trusting, but once they did, they were basically inseparable. They were doing better together, sharing meals, sharing money, so when one of them made less one week, they would still not have to starve. They kept each other up and running and Judas felt like he finally had a family. They had their routine, they had their own rules they survived by and Judas spent less and less time thinking about his non-existing soul-mark, sometimes going days at a time until he saw some happy couple or a little child yelling about his newly appeared mark.

In general most of the marks were symbolic pictures, that would be easy to understand by the soul-mate, like if somebody thought their opposite looked like an eagle upon first meeting them, their soul-mark was most likely an eagle. Then some soul-marks were designed to be less obvious, they only made sense when both parties knew each other better, like an inside joke of sorts. Sometimes, in rare cases, for some reason the name of one’s soul-mate would appear, instead of a picture. Judas had spared many thoughts as to what kind of soul-mark he would have one day, until he had lost hope and he had always longed for one of those inside-joke marks, where you really had to know the person to understand why you were destined to be together. He did not yet know how ironic exactly this desire was, when one day when he was twenty-eight, he woke up, rubbed his eyes and saw a cross on the inside of his hand.

A simple, outlined cross, not fancy, not detailed. Judas immediately had the crucified criminals among the roads in his mind, which added to the sense of dread he felt over having a soul-mark at all. He felt like throwing up. Just now that he had become used to the idea of being forever alone, the idea of living in peace with this idea, his whole life had been thrown upside down, what was he supposed to do now? Tears filled his eyes, what if there were expectations to him now, what if he was destined to love a criminal? Distantly Judas felt Simon sitting down next to him, trying to calm him down, but Judas could not. He was sobbing uncontrollably, felt like his world was falling apart and he had no control over it.

Then Simon took his hand, to try and soothe him and he went still.

“Judas” a breathless sound after long moments of silence. It was not a question, nonetheless Judas answered, his voice sounded too loud, too hysteric.

“I don’t know, Simon, I don’t know, I never thought – How? How can this be? Did you – did you draw it on? Is it drawn? Does it come off?” He started frantically rubbing at his hand, to no end. “What does it mean? Why a cross? Why?”

Simon knew his boundaries and limited his touching to a hand on Judas shoulder. And after minutes of just breathing, his thoughts still racing, Judas started to calm down.

“How?” He uttered in one last terrified whisper.

“I don’t know. I’ve never heard of anybody with a soul-mark that appeared this late. I have no idea Judas, but wasn’t this what you wanted?”

“No, no, I wanted this ten years ago. I don’t want it, I don’t want a cross!”

Simon sighed. Judas rested his head in his hands, trying to quench the panic he felt rising again.

He needed to continue with his life no matter what was going on with his skin. Because if it really was destiny, he would meet the person, no matter what, so he could just as well go on with his life.

-

Jesus was a normal boy, as far as he could be, his soul-mark appeared when he was nine years old on a normal day. He was thrilled, as were his parents. But he never met anybody who clicked with him in the soulmate way. He always missed something, but maybe this was because his soul-mark was special. It had no real form, rather it was an impression, blurry and unclear: on his upper arm there was a smudge of silver, brilliant and sparkling, but without clear lines or confines.

He thought little of it, trusting, that God had a destiny planned for everybody, that he was going to find the person. So he went his life as his parents planned, becoming a carpenter like his father. He went to be baptised when he heard about John, already famously called ‘the Baptist’. He told himself that he did so for his faith, to be closer to God, and yet he found himself hoping for a heavenly change of his mark, something to guide him.

And he found exactly that; he found something to follow when the realisation hit him that he needed to become a preacher, to gather followers, to be the voice of God, he found something to follow in the certainty he saw in John’s eyes, the admiration of the people around him, as if they had the same realisation.

So he left. Two men from the crowd went with him, spreading word about him, until the number of his followers grew unprompted. He went from town to town, preaching, setting people on the right track for life and he was good at it.

But another thing had happened that day, that he told nobody about; his soul-mark had turned into a recognisable picture. A single silver coin, untarnished and shining, was clearly visible on his upper arm and he assumed that he had yet to find that person, it was not often that market business was conducted with these types of coins. He would get one for a fine piece of his work, sometimes a bit more; was his soulmate rich? But with the business that his new life brought with itself, he thought less about his soulmate every day.


	2. Chapter 2

They came through a town once, after months and months of travelling and preaching. Jesus’ following was building steadily, but sometimes he thought about his soulmate and about how, even though the mark had appeared months ago, he still had not met anybody who he thought could be his other half. They stopped on the market place, to buy some supplies and already a group of people formed around Jesus; apparently his reputation preceded him. So he spoke to the people and gave them advice and guidance.

When the crowd thinned out, and Jesus made his way back to their rented quarters, he noticed one man had stayed behind, he did not approach him though.

His long blond hair was held back in a bun, his body language was defensive, he held his arms close to his chest, but his eyes were intense, and Jesus was intrigued by the man for some reason.

Jesus decided to go over to him.

“You speak of good things. Most of – your kind, they only preach for recognition, for money. You’re different.” Those bright eyes seemed to look through him. Jesus noticed that the man was not only intelligent, but also beautiful. The blond hair held an almost silver glint up close and his face was one of fine lines and stunning handsomeness.

“I don’t care about the money. I care about the people and about God.” Jesus answered.

“You should care about money. Without it you won’t come far, but it’s good that you don’t live for it.”

Jesus acknowledged this with a bow of his head.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Judas,” answered the other man. A common name and yet fitting to him, as if invented especially for him.

“I am called Jesus,” he offered. Even though Judas most likely knew this, Jesus found it fitting to introduce himself as well. “Would you like to join me?” he asked.

Judas looked at him incredulously for a moment, before nodding eagerly.

“I’ll help you,” he said, “but I have one request.”

Jesus raised an eyebrow in expectation.

“My friend Simon, he will come with me.”

Jesus nodded in confirmation. If one more person joined him, it did not matter.

Judas turned out to be even more fascinating than Jesus had thought upon first meeting him. He was good at surviving. He was a great observer, he could read people and he was kind-hearted even after all he had been through. Jesus did not get a lot from Judas about his personal history, but what he could gather he had had it hard and he was now a person shaped by a lot of difficulties.

Judas apparently also did not like being touched. Jesus tried to do so upon inviting him into the room where his friends had already set for supper. But as soon as his hand came in touch with the other man’s shoulder, Judas jerked back so abruptly he nearly stumbled into the wall and looked at Jesus with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

They had both spoken at the same time. Judas fell silent immediately, so Jesus took it upon himself to speak.

“I should have asked, Judas. It will not happen again. Please, come in.”

Judas looked at him hesitantly, as if he had expected Jesus to lose all interest in him due to his own mistake. Then he entered the room and after a few minutes, he returned to his normal self, at least as far as Jesus could tell. Judas left later that night after having spent much time in Jesus’ company talking to him about all sorts of topics, from self-love to financial stability, they had had a wide range of topics.

They continued their way the next morning with two new companions; Judas and Simon, who Jesus found to be an intriguing person as well.

The first week was all it took for Jesus to get used to Judas. At first it was unusual and unprecedented, really, to have somebody challenge him, but Jesus enjoyed it.

He enjoyed how clear it was that Judas cared about continuity and logic in what Jesus was saying. Judas had a bright mind and a generally critical world view, but he understood Jesus and the way his eyes lit up when he listened to him preach, set something inside Jesus aflame. Jesus was not sure what exactly it was, that he was feeling, but it was not bad so he decided it was a problem for another day and shoved it away as far as possible. Judas became his entrusted. Jesus had realised from the first second that Judas had a thing about money. As he got to know him better he realised that what he had noticed, was in fact several things. Firstly, Judas had never had any excess money. Jesus was glad that Judas was with him now, because that meant he could take care of him, feed him, keep him alive. Secondly, due to the scarcity that was money in Judas’ life, he had learned how to manage it well. He knew how to budget and quite a few times, Jesus would find himself looking into Judas’ unbelieving face, when he bought something for the price the merchant demanded without haggling. And thirdly, Judas knew not only how to save money, but also how to spend it. He knew which merchants sold genuine and good products and he knew which ones were only scamming their way through life. He knew what was a necessary investment and what was only a luxury, something that Jesus might have wanted but in no way needed. So after a few weeks, Jesus decided that their spending and their savings should best be handled by somebody who knew his way around money, so he passed the responsibility on to Judas. And Judas took it seriously, so that Jesus knew, he would never have to worry about it. He trusted Judas and he felt like slowly, Judas was beginning to trust him as well.

Simon was different. He was there for Judas, and Jesus noticed this, but over time Simon’s attention began to shift towards Jesus and he found himself confronted with yet another critical thinker, because Simon was very forward about his opinions. Judas seemed a bit like a bumper on those opinions, even though logic should have dictated they would only egg each other on even more. But there was a lot of things, that logic could not explain these days.

One of them was that Jesus was so caught up in his life, his preaching, teaching, travelling, that his time for all else seemed to vanish. It was months after he met Judas that he spared a thought for his soul-mark. Usually hidden under his sleeve, it was now exposed. It was hot and they were walking, so he had taken off a layer of clothing. Simon came up beside him when he was lost in thought and started speaking quietly.

“Is it Judas?”

Jesus looked at him in confusion.

“Is what Judas?” he replied.

Simon tapped his arm lightly and suddenly Jesus knew what he was talking about.

“I don’t know, Simon.” It was the first time he did not have an answer to a question in a long time.

Simon fell back again and Jesus was left alone to his thoughts. Could it be? It made sense. Judas was in charge of their finances. Money played a big role in their relationship; it made sense. Jesus looked over his shoulder at Juda, who was walking alongside Peter, in deep conversation. The feelings that had become so familiar over the past months, the feelings that Jesus had avoided thinking about, the feelings that kept surfacing every time Jesus saw Judas, maybe they were a part of this, maybe this was what the soul-bond was. He loved all his friends, but it was different with them. They were his family and his constant company. Judas was all of that too. And so much more. Judas had become his most treasured and trusted acquaintance; Jesus did not want to think of a time when the two of them were not going to be together. Was this what the soul-mark meant? It could all fit.

But Judas’ own mark was a different matter. Judas had a cross on his hand, clearly visible to everybody and Jesus had no idea what it could possibly have to do with himself. It just did not add up. Maybe Jesus was one of those rare cases of people, whose soul-mates were matched up with other people. It hurt, but Judas might not be his at all, Jesus might simply be Judas’ without the right to ask anything in return. The thought ached deep within his heart. He did not want to imagine this outcome. He needed to try and figure Judas out. Most likely Jesus’ feelings were not reciprocated, judging by the dark mark that was prominent right across Judas’ palm. He told himself that even if it was not meant to be, he would live through it. He would preach on and smile on and nobody would be any wiser of the pain he felt on the inside. Jesus took a deep breath and concentrated on the road in front of him.


	3. Chapter 3

Judas was curious when he saw the crowd of people surrounding a single man. He could not afford to stop working, not yet, but as soon as the workshop closed, which he was working for at that time, Judas made his way back to the spot and listened.

People started to leave, go home, to see their families, to have supper, to go to sleep, but Judas stayed. It was not a rare occurrence that some preacher came through town, but they were always only after one thing: money. Not this one however. Judas was intrigued. This man spoke of God like he knew him, this man spoke with the confidence of a thousand men and with the conviction and faith of another thousand. So when he stopped speaking, sending the last of his spectators off with a kiss on the forehead and a soft smile, Judas was the only one left.

The man turned, as if to leave but then his eyes met Judas’ and he froze, turning back to him. Judas had not thought this was going to happen, but the preacher was slowly making his way over to him. The closer he got, the better Judas could make out his features. The tousled, black hair and beard in stark contrast to his fair skin. Up close, his eyes were prominent, their shade somewhere between green and brown, they seemed to be looking into his soul. Judas could not simply look at the man, so he decided to speak up, telling the preacher what he thought of his teachings and his stance on money. The other man was surprisingly willing to bow before Judas’ strong will, agreeing with him, before asking for Judas’ name.

Judas answered in truth. Sometimes he would give a false name, but somehow he felt that the preacher as asking out of real interest. The preacher answered by introducing himself as Jesus.

“Would you like to join me?”

The question took Judas by surprise. For several moments he just stood there, gaping. This man was offering him a way out of this life he was leading always barely scraping by, and without any requests? It seemed impossible, and yet Jesus seemed completely serious.

Judas decided to test the limits, because one thing was completely clear for him; he would not go anywhere without Simon. So he formulated his own request.

And Jesus agreed. Not only that, but he also invited Judas for supper, which he accepted gratefully.

After walking in silence for a few minutes, Jesus spoke up.

“So, your… friend, Simon, will he be okay with leaving?” he sounded hesitant, the pause before pronouncing the word friend, opening up another question, that did not escape Judas.

“He will be. We’re barely keeping alive as it is and we’ve been looking for other ways to live, but it’s not easy, just starting over,” he looked over at Jesus, whose expression was friendly, interested, compassionate.

“He’s my family. He’ll come with me for sure.”

Jesus nodded in understanding.

They reached their destination shortly after. Jesus stepped aside and invited Judas in. Judas was just about to step into the room, already set for dinner, when Jesus’ hand settled on his shoulder heavily and dread ran through him like poison. He went through life never being touched, nobody thought it necessary to touch a simple day labourer, after months, he had learned to be okay with Simon’s touches, but when Jesus squeezed his shoulder, no matter that Judas knew that the gesture was completely innocent, his body recoiled and his other shoulder collided with the stone wall harshly. His breaths went harsh and his eyes were wide when he looked at Jesus, who seemed genuinely concerned.

“I’m sorry.” They both spoke at the same time, Judas fell silent after this, but Jesus continued apologising. He was the first person to not look at Judas like he was crazy. Even Simon had been irritated when Judas had first shown this behaviour, and even though he had learned fast, Judas was still hurt. But Jesus was understanding, keeping his distance and still with an inviting gesture, asked him to enter the room where he kept a seat free beside himself. Judas had honestly thought Jesus would not want him around anymore, and maybe he would not after all, because Jesus did not yet know that this was just the surface of how deeply flawed Judas really was. Maybe he would be sent away later, maybe Jesus was just being polite.

Judas took a while to just breathe and relax but Jesus helped, averting everyone’s attention away from Judas and he was grateful. And when he went to tell Simon, and came back to Jesus waiting for him, he started to trust the idea of Jesus wanting him there, he started to trust Jesus.

Apparently this trust did not only go one way; the first times Judas went to the markets with Jesus, he was absolutely shocked to see Jesus paying whatever ridiculously high prices the merchants demanded, he did not haggle at all, just paid the demanded amount. Judas did not bother hiding his distaste at this. He had thought Jesus would react in many ways except the one he actually did. Jesus gave him the responsibility over the finances. He was giving Judas an important role, perhaps the most important one of all. It was an act of trust and Judas understood it as such and he was not going to misuse it, quite the contrary, he was going to make Jesus see that he had made the right decision.

Starting with this, Judas’ trust only built further over the next months. He had never met any man who was just so genuinely good. Jesus had so much understanding in his heart for everybody and Judas felt included. Slowly but surely he warmed up to Jesus’ other followers as well.

Sometimes the amount of trust he placed in Jesus surprised him, it was not like him at all, but this was Jesus and somehow Jesus was an exception to a lot of rules Judas had thought fixed. He noticed very soon, that Jesus was a touchy, affectionate person, but he respected the clear lines Judas had set around himself, until one day Judas reached out himself, leaning against Jesus after supper. It felt right. He did not know how to explain it, but he supposed one way of looking at it was his clear knowledge of Jesus’ inability to harm those around him. Jesus had never overstepped his boundaries and Judas was willing to touch, Judas was ready to touch and be near Jesus. Somehow this one person did not make Judas’ skin crawl; he only felt a soothing warmth from Jesus.

Jesus was surprised, but that was not unexpected. Judas felt him freeze at the contact, but relax after a second, carefully putting his arm around Judas’ shoulder, holding him close. Judas did not mind. It felt good, he felt safe and he felt like he mattered, for once, if only to Jesus, but when he looked up at Jesus’ face, he saw his thoughts confirmed, saw how much he mattered, because Jesus was smiling at him and his eyes were so full of affection, that Judas once again felt affirmed in his trust in Jesus. He would only realise later, but that was the moment he was lost, with nothing he could do about it.

However when he did realise, he did not know what to do with the information. It was a pretty unprompted discovery, on an ordinary day, they spent in a random town, Jesus was preaching to random people and maybe that was what made Judas realise, because even though Jesus was doing the same thing over and over, with nothing especially different about where and when and who and how, he still continued to speak with such passion and conviction, he still managed to be kind to objectively bad people when Judas would have just wanted to resort to violence. How could he not love Jesus with all he had?

But there still was the matter of his soul mark. He did not see any possible connection between the cross and Jesus. Therefore, Jesus could not be his soul-mate, could he? It seemed impossible, and yet, if there was any indication that Jesus might be his soul-mate, Judas would not doubt it even for a second. The feelings he had for Jesus seemed to genuine, were too real, too intense to be nothing. Of course there were people who fell in love with others who were not their soul-mates, and of course this happened quite frequently, but Judas had never felt anything close to what he felt for Jesus and it kept him awake for nights. Maybe if he knew what Jesus’ soul-mark looked like, it would be easier, but it was nowhere Judas had ever seen. So he kept quiet about his feelings.

Only there was one problem with this plan, because there was somebody with him who knew him better than anybody. Simon noticed something was off and after nagging at him for several days, Judas gave up and told him. For some reason, Simon was not at all surprised.

“I know it probably sounds crazy from where you stand, but you should tell him.” It sounded beyond crazy, really.

“No. Simon, I have no evidence, I’m just desperate,” Judas answered, burying his face in his hands.

“He might feel the same, Judas.”

Simon sounded so earnest that Judas wondered if he knew something. But how would he?

“He would not. Do you know me? I’m a mess, I’m already happy that he let me join him in the first place. He would never have me as a soul-mate. He would never _want_ me.”

As much as he wanted to hope for it, Judas just could not. Firstly, the whole concept seemed silly; nobody would love Judas above anybody else and least of all Jesus, because that was just his thing; to love everybody the same.

Secondly, their soul-marks still did not match. Judas was destined for somebody with a connection to crucifixion. A soldier maybe? It was hardly conceivable, to think Judas would end up like this, falling in love with a roman soldier, but life usually found its ways to make soul marks come true. Maybe it was a criminal after all, who knew? But it was surely not Jesus. He supposed he could find out, if he ever touched Jesus’ mark; most soul-mates were able to empathically connect when their marks touched, but Judas had still never seen Jesus’ mark.

And thirdly, Judas had been disappointed enough in his life and if he dared to let himself hope for a thing that was never going to happen, if he dared to let himself hope for the impossible, for something that was bound to disappoint him, Judas could only imagine the consequences. He was not sure if he could deal with the pain of rejection if he let himself truly feel what he thought himself capable of in regards to Jesus.

So he buried his feelings and cursed the cross on his palm every day with every glance he spared it.


	4. Chapter 4

Time passed and Jesus became desperate. Maybe desperate was not exactly the right word, but it came close. He had given a great deal of thought to the matter at hand, which were his feelings for Judas, because he definitely had those and it was becoming a concern, how frequent and of what quality those feelings were. At this point, Jesus could think himself lucky if he had an hour to himself, without his heart starting to beat through his chest at the sight of blond hair or blue eyes or those slender fingers. The list went on and on.

Since the mind-opening conversation with Simon, Jesus could not help wondering what if. He had started yearning for the impossible while simultaneously knowing just how impossible it was. He had realised he was in love with Judas and the fact that Judas was most likely his soul-mate did not exactly discourage him. But were soul-bonds supposed to hurt? Was love supposed to hurt? Jesus had never thought so, until now.

Jesus did not hurt most when he was away from Judas, quite the opposite. He was in agony when he was near him. Sometimes he wished, Judas had not started to trust him. If Jesus were not allowed to touch Judas he would not know what he was missing out on, but the feeling of Judas’ skin was a constant reminder at the back of Jesus’ mind how close he could come to getting what he wanted and yet being so, so far away from it. His heart was singing whenever he touched Judas, because he was one of the few who had that privilege at all, one of the few people that Judas let close enough, physically and emotionally, and Jesus was beyond happy that he could show Judas the same amount of gratitude and love as all his other followers.

How he yearned, however, to give him more, to show him his whole adoration, to bare his heart to him and confess his undying love, sometimes it was unbearable, when Judas was close to him. This was when Jesus hurt the most; with his fingertips memorising the texture of Judas’ skin and with Judas’ scent in his nose, with his voice engraved in his mind and Judas’ responding touches. Those had gone from hesitant and shy to confident, as if Judas knew just how much right he had to touch, just how much more of his touches Jesus craved. He suffered through it all and kept his desires to himself.

There was one person, though, that saw through him, one person, who mad everything worse. Simon, who knew his soul-mark, soon began to ask questions Jesus was not sure he was ready to answer, but Simon was a social person, he knew what made people tick, and knew how to read them, so Jesus found himself giving out half-truths, knowing Simon would look straight through them anyways. This went on for days and Jesus did not see the point, was Simon trying to deliberately make him suffer.

“No,” was the answer. Jesus did not get any more out of Simon until days later.

“You know he feels the same, right?” Jesus froze on the spot, head whipping around to Simon.

“What?”

“Judas. You do know he feels the same?” Jesus was not entirely sure what Simon meant. He knew Judas felt the same as him about many things, but something in Simon’s voice made him suspect, there was more to the sentence than simply temple taxes or fishing.

“He loves you.” Simon’s voice was barely above a whisper but the three gently spoken words still sent Jesus’ mind and heart racing. He tried to rationalise. Of course Judas loved him. All of his followers did.

Telling himself that did not help much, when Simon continued to speak.

“Not like me or Peter or anybody else. He’s in love with you.” Simon left.

Simon just left and let a speechless Jesus stand right there, trying very hard to comprehend what had just happened. Unsuccessfully.

Evening came and Jesus had kept to himself the majority of the day, but now he joined the others for dinner and of course Judas was there. Of course he wore a smile and of course it was directed at Jesus. Or course his hair was braided back loosely, accentuating Judas’ features and of course his eyes were attentive and beautiful as ever. Of course.

Jesus took a deep breath, silently cursing at Simon, because he had made him hope and Jesus feared that his hope was entirely misplaced. Not that he expected anything so malicious from Simon as to lead him on without reason, but Jesus’ heart was aching more than ever.

-

Maybe, just maybe, Jesus had a bit too much wine. And just maybe he realised that when it was too late, but now his head was in Judas’ lap and he was looking up at the man he adored beyond anything else and everything seemed surprisingly right. Everything felt so good. For a second Jesus let his imagination wander where he did not usually allow it to go.

What if this could be normal? What if Judas did not only accommodate him because he knew he was a bit drunk? What if he could just prop himself up, leaning against Judas’ chest, pulling him down into a kiss? What if Judas really loved him and they would never have to spend another second apart? Jesus was sure that his expression was entirely sappy and way too in love but he had no control over his features at this moment. That was until Judas gesticulated something in Peter’s direction and Jesus’ eyes latched onto the dark contrasted symbol in Judas’ palm. This could not be, he reminded himself. There was no way that symbol had anything to do with him. He closed his eyes, listening to the chatter around him, listening to Judas vehemently defending a point he had made, listening to the clatter of plates, of glasses and cutlery. The sounds that made up every evening in his life, they soothed him to some degree. When he opened his eyes again, he saw Judas peering down at him, a soft smile gracing his lips, that lingered for a moment only, when he noticed Jesus looking at him. The way he tensed up reminded Jesus how lucky he was to have this at all, to have Judas tolerate Jesus being close to him.

When he felt Judas’ fingers combing through his hair, Jesus let out an embarrassing whimper; he hoped that nobody had heard it. The gentle tugs at his hair, Judas’ fingers caressing massaging his skull, the inexplicable feeling of intimacy beyond compare, all this fuelled Jesus desire for more than what was destined for him. He let his eyes fall shut again and concentrated entirely on the feeling of Judas’ skin against his own, sending warm sparks through him.

He was not sure how much time passed, but he slowly awoke from the lazy drowsiness, when Judas’ touches slowed and finally ceased. Everything had become more quiet, everybody but the two of them retreated to sleep. Jesus lifted his head off Judas’ thigh, rubbing his eyes.

“You should go to sleep.” Judas’ voice was soft, careful.

“Yeah. Yeah, can you…” he felt a bit disoriented. “come back to my room with me?”

Judas stayed quiet until Jesus looked up to check if he had left without him noticing, or fallen asleep, but Judas was just staring at him. It dimly reminded Jesus of the way he had looked when Jesus first asked him to join him; insecure, incredulous.

“Uh, yeah, I can, come on.” Judas finally caught himself, standing up and extended his hand in an invitation Jesus could not help but take.

Something like sparks, bright and hot, ignited in the back of his mind when his skin touched Judas’ mark. He always felt something when Judas touched him, but Jesus had never been this focussed on it, always preoccupied with his followers, his preaching, his friends, his own feelings.

When he stood upright, Judas placed an arm on his shoulder to stabilise him, and the moment his palm settled over Jesus’ soul-mark, even through the shirt, emotions rushed through Jesus. They were not his own. At least not entirely. Jesus had known that most soul-mates had at least low levels of empathic skills, knowing what the other was feeling when their marks came into direct contact, but he had never expected it to feel this _intense_.

Apparently neither had Judas, because he jerked back, shock written across his face, and Jesus could feel echoes of the dread he saw in Judas’ eyes, running through himself. Again he felt himself oddly thrown back in time to the first time he had touched Judas. His mind was not all that highly functioning at the moment, but he knew he needed to act fast, or else maybe Judas would leave. Jesus could not let that happen.

Oddly enough the only thing he could think about was using his shivering, unprecise fingers, to unbutton his shirt.

“Judas,” Jesus needed him to see. His gaze was fixed on his own hand, he looked scared and Jesus needed him to not be scared. He needed him to see, because as little sense as it made, they were soulmates. But Judas did not seem to be able to tear his eyes away from the black cross in the palm of his hand.

“What –” Jesus heard Judas breathe the word in disbelief, before he finally looked up, looked at him.

This time it was Jesus’ turn to reach out a hand, reach out to Judas, gently taking his hand and pulling him close again.

“Judas,” he repeated. And this time Judas reacted. He stepped right into Jesus’ space, so close, Jesus could feel the warmth radiating from him. Judas steered his hand to Jesus’ arm, he wanted this. _He wanted this._ Jesus’ heart rejoiced, he was shivering in anticipation and when Judas’ hand settled on his arm, Jesus’ eyes were focused on his face.

Judas’ lips parted in a soft gasp. Jesus felt nothing but love and adoration in this moment, this was what Judas felt from him, but Jesus received cold doubt, through the soul-bond, and insecurity, hesitance. He knew that was not him and he wanted nothing more than to erase these feelings from Judas completely.

His mind was still a bit fuzzy, which came as no surprise, but he also knew with great clarity what he needed to do. He needed Judas in his life and he was willing to do anything for that. He would keep his distance, limit his touching to the minimum, as he had before, but he needed to ask. He needed to know.

He leaned in, towards Judas, not knowing what he expected, not knowing what Judas was willing to give or if he was willing to give him anything at all. Jesus felt a wave of dread from Judas, that ebbed off again and then Judas’ hand left his arm and Jesus thought that was it, he thought, now he had gone too far, but Judas did not move, but instead moved his hand to Jesus’ back, pulling him closer. Jesus had never seen Judas hug anybody, not even Simon and he was sure that Judas could feel his heartbeat resonating in his own chest. The happiness went to his head, mixing with the dizziness of his tipsy brain. He let out an involuntary giggle, that sounded absurd, a second after it left his mouth, and yet he had not been able to hold it back. He continued to smile into Judas’ neck, revelling in the closeness, in the exciting unfamiliarity of the situation.

“I love you.” The words had left his lips before he even noticed he had said them. But he was happy he had. He needed Judas to know. It was better he said it now, instead of waiting for the right moment and not finding a fitting one. It was only true after all; he loved Judas more than anything and as guilty as he sometimes felt about it, he still would not change this fact for anything in the world. Judas did not reply, but Jesus felt his response in the way Judas tightened the hug.


	5. Chapter 5

The evening had taken a turn, Judas could not possibly have seen coming. Over the last weeks, Jesus had become more touchy than usual. Judas noticed him trying to hold back, but since Jesus’ touches did not really bother him, Judas sometimes even encouraged him. He was going to take as much affection from Jesus as he was willing to give. And as it turned out Jesus was willing to give a whole lot of affection. His head in Judas’ lap was another sign of trust he did not fully understand, he himself would not show weakness like this. But even as he thought this, Judas corrected himself. This was not weakness, Jesus was showing, it was strength. His strength came from his trust in people and his faith in the good in them, so Judas decided to take advantage of the situation the best he could, tentatively bringing his hand up from the bench next to him, to comb his fingers through Jesus’ hair.

The reaction he got was not expected; Jesus let out a barely audible sound, a whimper more than anything and it did something to Judas’ insides in the best possible way.

Judas was thrilled. He would never have thought his simple action, this simple touch would get this extreme a reaction. When he glanced down at Jesus, his eyes were closed, expression relaxed and content. Judas was proud to be the cause of that. Jesus was a bit drunk, and it showed in how leisurely he was, in how he became even more touchy and apparently receptive to touch. Slowly the others began to leave and when it was only Jesus and him, Judas stopped. His eyes had been glued to Jesus' face so he needed a moment to realise he was still staring when Jesus opened his eyes, before averting his gaze. How he wished he could just continue. Never would he have thought that he would wish for a night, spent with gentle touches, just skin against skin in comfortable silence. A domestic dream.  
Jesus' smiled drowsily which reminded Judas of the amount of alcohol in Jesus' system.

"You should go to sleep." He could not help but smile back.  
Jesus did not only agree, he also wanted Judas' help or his support and Judas was not going to deny him that when he was ready for so much more. After helping him up, Judas laid a hand on Jesus' arm trying to stabilise him, but he jerked back as soon as he touched the warm skin through Jesus' shirt, because the soul-mark in his palm was suddenly tingling and foreign emotions were coursing through him.

Judas was terrified, staring down at his hand in horror, he noticed nothing out of the ordinary. A whispered question escaped his lips way too easily but his mind was too occupied with freaking out. What he was feeling, upon closer inspection was not by definition bad, it was just not his to feel, the sensation of mismatched emotions was deeply unsettling, but it all came from his hand, which made the experience even weirder. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he only realised Jesus was saying his name, after the second time. He had taken off his shirt, letting it fall to the ground behind himself and at first the reason was completely lost to Judas, but then Jesus turned slightly and a glint of silver caught his eye.

Jesus’ hand was extended and Judas took it, this time without hesitance. And suddenly the fog that had clouded his mind and thoughts, lifted and he realised that this was what a soul-bond was like, what the people were always talking about. And then he did not need Jesus’ hand to guide him anymore, he reached out and as soon as his fingertips touched Jesus’ skin, he shivered with the emotions that washed over him. He had not expected them to be this strong. He knew that usually with soul-bonds you could feel surface emotions or moods, but what he felt went far deeper than that. All the adoration and love, pure love that washed over him helped to slowly dim his fear and dread of rejection, his hesitation and nervousness. For some reason and by some unfathomable power, Jesus was actually his. His to touch and his to talk to, endlessly, his to trust with all his mind and soul.

And so he did, because when he felt panic rise inside himself as Jesus leaned in, Judas fought it down because Jesus would not hurt him, he would not do anything Judas was not okay with, so he let go off Jesus’ arm and pulled him close. Jesus’ naked torso was warm against his chest, but instead of any of the countless negative reactions Judas had had to people touching him, he felt safe. He felt good and Jesus pressed against him in the best way, another thing Judas would not have thought a possible description of a situation he was in, but here he was with Jesus’ face pressed against his neck, his hair tickling Judas’ cheek.

“I love you.” It was such a simple statement, but to Judas it was so much more. Nobody had ever told him that, nobody deemed him worthy of their love until Simon and he showed him through his actions rather than make it plainly obvious using words, but it was not the way Jesus did things. No, Jesus was entirely different. He needed to show his love, but also declare it and now that he had said it, murmured it into Judas’ skin, he could not help but tighten his arms around Jesus because he was the one person he would never tire of, he was the one person he was destined to be with and for once, destiny seemed to treat him well.

And so it started. Judas could still not fathom why there was a cross in the palm of his hand, but he really and truly was Jesus’ soulmate. Slowly, Jesus dared to become more touchy and Judas welcomed it. He could see the joy it brought Jesus to be near him and to be in constant contact with him. He felt exactly the same way.

Simon was happy for them both. He took pride in having suspected anything before either of them did and he let it show, but Judas saw the fondness and love behind it.

And so did Jesus, being the understanding person he was. He also understood Judas and let him set the pace for everything they did even if they were merely holding hands. He was always considerate and held back, but the more Judas was willing to give, the more he noticed the happiness, the pure joy and gratefulness radiating from Jesus; and if he touched his soul-mark, he could even feel it. The more time he spent casually touching Jesus, the more exciting the thought of kissing him became. The first time he felt the need to, he pushed it down. He had never made good experiences with it, the horrors of his teenage years still too vividly on his mind, but the desire persisted and after weeks and weeks, Judas began to warm up to it. He felt a bit guilty at times, that he held back so much, he knew it was his right and he also knew that Jesus was more than okay with it, but sometimes he wondered, if he was not so afraid, if he was not this scarred, would Jesus be happier?

When Judas saw Jesus’ face, smiling at him from a distance when they met after a long day, when Judas saw the glint of sheer happiness in Jesus’ eyes, he knew his worries were unwarranted. Jesus wanted him to be safe and to feel good before anything else. And Judas did feel good, he did not know sometimes how he deserved it, but he was happy beyond compare, more than he had ever been before.

He was happy when they lay in bed together, peacefully, Jesus drawing invisible patterns onto the skin on Judas’ chest. He was happy when he pushed the dark hair from Jesus’ face.

He was happy when he leaned in closer and slowly Jesus’ finger came to a halt, his whole hand staying still over Judas’ heart. He was happy when he met Jesus’ eyes and they were full of love and adoration. He was happy when he was only centimetres away from Jesus’ face and heard him whisper.

“Are you sure, Judas?”

He was happy when – no, it was more than happiness; when his lips met Jesus’ in response to his question, he had never in fact been more sure of anything. Jesus gasped and Judas knew it was all worth it, the waiting was forgotten. Almost instinctively, Judas’ hand came up to press against Jesus’ arm, fitting their soul-marks together and he felt his own emotions echoed in what Jesus was feeling. Jesus’ lips moving against his own, lips parting, his tongue prompting Judas to do the same, deepening their kiss, it brought him indescribable pleasure, but it was nothing compared to what it felt like to have Jesus’ emotions mix with his own; they no longer felt foreign, they were the missing puzzle piece to Judas’ own emotions, the perfect completion.

He was happy when he fell asleep later that night, because Jesus was there, holding him and this was exactly where Judas belonged.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is sexual content in here. This is the porn chapter. If you like that, go ahead. If you don't skip to the last chapter :)

Kissing Judas was like a reward, like a secret chamber he found a key to, except the key was himself and his love for Judas. Kissing Judas was breath-taking in every sense of the word. But it was also a test in some way, a test in restraint. Because Jesus found himself wanting more and more with however much Judas gave. He still wanted more and he felt guilty about it. Back when caressing the back of Judas’ hand had been a novelty, when it had sent thrills of satisfaction, even pleasure through him, nothing could have made Jesus happier than kissing him and holding him, because of this desire to have more. But now when Judas was kissing him awake every day and he had become used to this new and open show of affection, Jesus yet again found himself fantasizing about more.

He knew about Judas’ past, he understood, that Judas would likely never want to have sex with anybody, not even his soul-mate. And yet he thought about pleasuring Judas until he was no longer coherent.

Judas started opening up to him, bit by bit and when he told Jesus that he was not entirely averse to the idea, Jesus’ heart melted into a puddle of happiness at the show of trust this obviously was.

Jesus had taken to getting himself off in the shower in the mornings, when Judas was still in bed. He needed to let off some steam, needed to get the unwanted arousal out of his way. It was not ideal, but it worked for him. He was quite sure, Judas was aware of it.

But this suspicion was confirmed when Judas held him back one morning when he was trying to get out of bed.

“You don’t have to hide,” he spoke up, voice still drowsy from sleep.

Jesus was not entirely sure what Juda meant by that.

“You can – just because I’m … hesitant about having sex, doesn’t mean, that I want nothing at all to do with it,” Judas said slowly, his eyes opening, looking at Jesus. His expression was soft, yet earnest. “You can stay here and still, you know, get off, I’d … I wouldn’t mind watching,” Judas was clearly uncomfortable talking about it, but apparently the matter was important enough for him to confront Jesus about it at all.

Jesus rolled over, gently kissing him, before throwing back the blanket. He felt Judas’ gaze on him as he took off his underwear, wiggling around, half-sitting up against the headboard of the bed, until he was in a comfortable position. He glanced at Judas whose pupils were large, making his eyes appear nearly black, who was licking his lips as if in anticipation, who seemed to be more than okay with the situation. Jesus began to touch himself, slowly working his way down towards his already half-hard dick. He let his fingers ghost over the soft skin of his abdomen, teasing his nipples with his left, imagining, like so often, that it was Judas who touched him. Only now, when he turned his head just a fraction to the side, he was there, watching with intense concentration. There was something in his gaze, that made Jesus think that this arrangement was more intimate, than anything else, Judas was not even touching him but this intimacy still went two ways. When Jesus wrapped his fingers around his dick, giving a few strokes, Judas’ eyes left his face, wandered down his body, slowly, apparently appreciating every detail.

Jesus twisted his wrist in exactly the right way, a small moan escaped his lips and within a fraction of a second, Judas’ eyes were back on his face, the satisfaction he was getting from Jesus’ pleasure clear in his features. So Jesus went on as he usually did, his strokes becoming rougher, thumb rubbing over the head of his cock. It was so good; he threw back his head, squeezing his eyes shut. His hips were thrusting upwards in small movements, adding intensity, adding pleasure. From beside him, Jesus heard Judas’ breaths become harsher almost in time with his own, moans forming in his throat more easily with every movement.

Jesus forced his eyes open to check if Judas was really still enjoying this. As it turned out, he was. Jesus reached out his free hand, to cup Judas’ jaw, which Judas leaned into, so that Jesus could pull him over to him into a kiss. It was amazing. Jesus moaned into Judas’ mouth, feeling himself get closer to release, the heat in his groin building, edged on by the butterflies he felt at Judas being there, at Judas kissing him deeply, at Judas getting enjoyment out of this, at Judas touching him.

Judas’ fingers on his chest, playing with his nipples, while his other was buried in Jesus’ hair, keeping him in place to kiss him until he was nearly incoherent, evoked more moans, small cries from Jesus, which Judas swallowed eagerly. Jesus was disappointed when Judas’ hand moved away from his chest, he needed more touch, he needed more Judas. But when he got exactly that, he was not ready.

The moment Judas’ soul-mark came in touch with his own, Jesus threw back his head, letting out the filthiest sound. If he had been coherent enough, he would have thought himself foolish to assume that nothing could be more intimate than Judas looking at him, because this, Judas’ soul bared to him in such a manner, his feelings of love, amazement, arousal, mixing with Jesus’ own, this was far more intimate.

Jesus’ thrusts became more abrupt, his hand tightening, adding friction and Judas’ moans sounded like echoes to his own, their panting breaths meeting in the space between their lips, until Judas leaned in, sealing his lips over Jesus’ once again, and Jesus knew what he was feeling in clear detail; satisfaction at touching Jesus, a fading feeling of surprise at his own actions, overwhelming arousal, it was all there and it fuelled Jesus’ last thrusts into his fist, his last strokes, his last cries.

He felt Judas’ arousal growing, overflowing in time with his own, pushing each other higher and higher, until Jesus gave one more deep groan as he came all over his hand and abdomen, blacking out for a moment, because the sensation was simply too much, their feelings mixed, tangled up in each other.

When he came back down from this incredible high, he noticed Judas exhaustedly lying next to him, head on Jesus’ shoulder, soul-mark still pressed against Jesus’ as his hand held on tightly to his arm.

“Did you –” His voice was raspy, Jesus cleared his throat.

“Did you come, too?”

Judas nodded weakly against Jesus’ shoulder.

“Yeah.” He tilted his head to press a kiss against his collar bone. “Yeah. It was so good, Jesus.” He lifted his head to look deeply into Jesus’ eyes and Jesus felt his next words before Judas spoke them. “Thank you.”

The intense rush of gratefulness and utter devotion that came from Judas sent tears into Jesus eyes.

“I love y–” he could not even finish this declaration, before Judas’ lips were back on his own, loosening the grip around Jesus’ arm to tangle his fingers into the dark hair in Jesus’ neck, the other hand cupping Jesus’ cheek.

He could still feel the phantom grip on his upper arm, it would probably bruise, but it was good, it would serve as a reminder that this was real, that his life was blessed enough to have this much pleasure, that his life was blessed enough to have Judas in it, in this way, spent, happy, cuddling against him, no longer afraid of his touch. It was more fulfilling than his career, than his God-given destiny and somewhere at the back of Jesus’ mind, this concerned him, but now, in this moment, he could not be happier and from the emotions that ran through him, when Judas’ palm settled back onto his mark, neither could Judas.


	7. Chapter 7

Judas should have known. He should have known that destiny really hated him, perhaps more than anybody else. He should have known that something would happen, sooner or later, to destroy his life and corrupt his love. He should have known and never even opened up. But it was Jesus and he could not simply resist Jesus, that was just not something that happened, ever.

Judas should have seen it coming. He should have seen her coming, much rather. After all it was about as hard to miss Mary in a crowd as it was to miss Jesus in a crowd. Pretty impossible. She was beautiful and for that Judas started to hate her, well not really hate, when he thought about it, it felt much more like jealousy, or maybe a strong distaste for her fine features. And of course not only Judas noticed her. She was suddenly a part of their group and there was nothing he could do about it, so naturally Jesus noticed her as well, but instead of disliking her as Judas did, he took a liking to her. He started spending more and more time with her and Judas felt like he was being left alone, lying in a ditch somewhere, bleeding from the stump of his arm, his dead and rotting hand with the deeply contrasted cross on it lying next to him. In other words, Judas was miserable.

Jesus noticed. Jesus always noticed, but it was just a bit too late and where Judas in the beginning might have forgiven him – for what? What did Jesus do? – now he could not. He could simply not get over the fact that he felt lost and abandoned. He had felt this way too often before to simply toss it aside as a figment of his imagination.

Jesus was gentle with him, too gentle. Judas had always greatly appreciated that about him, but not then, not when he was heartbroken, no, that was the wrong word, his heart was not broken, not yet, it was cracked, bruised, violated, but Judas was not gentle. His eyes were wild and he hated Jesus in that moment, hated him for being so loving and so understanding, hated him for not fighting back.

He tried to reason with himself; Jesus still loved him, Jesus was still his soul-mate, Jesus was still his to love and Jesus was allowed to have his attentions elsewhere. But the worst thing was that she, that Mary, had no soul-mark. And Judas knew from experience that people without marks were easier to lose oneself in. What was not easy, was watching Jesus around her so much, it was not easy seeing him falling back into the habit of limitless spending and as the person in charge of the money, in charge of all the money for over a dozen people, it hit him hard, that Jesus apparently disregarded his advice and let Mary take whatever she wanted.

But Judas held himself back. He needed to for a chance that his life would last the way it was. But another thing changed. The attention they were getting became overwhelming. Judas did not only experience it himself, but he also knew how Jesus was feeling. Whenever their marks touched, the relentless stream of happiness, love and adoration Judas had become accustomed to, became less and less and feelings of anxiety and sheer overwhelming terror at times slipped from Jesus’ grasp, clearly conceivable to Judas who tried to soothe him. He tried so hard and yet he seemed to fail time after time. When Jesus was with Mary he seemed more balanced, happier even and Judas tried to be reasonable about it, but between the sadness in his heart, that was eating him alive, and the trust, that he tried to uphold, but felt slipping away from him, turning into desperation, he found it to be near impossible.

The knowledge that Jesus himself was freaking out, did not help, because there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

He tried to warn him. An uneasy feeling had settled in the pit of his stomach and it only intensified; he tried so desperately to warn Jesus, make him see what could go wrong and that they were on that uneasy path already.

But Jesus refused to see, Jesus only seemed to have eyes for Mary, it was frustrating, irritating when your soul-mate was neglecting you. But Mary seemed to capture and keep Jesus’ attention on herself and Judas stood by, suffering from a distance, until he could not tolerate her behaviour any more. She had gone too far the moment Judas realised hundreds of silver pieces were missing and suddenly Jesus was being tended to with the finest ointments. Judas said nothing for two days, he spent his nights crying, clutching his hand to his chest, feeling cold because Jesus was elsewhere. But when Jesus stopped preaching, leisurely spending the day lying around, caressed by Mary, indulging, Judas had enough and he snapped at her. He thought Jesus would understand, he thought Jesus would stand by his soul-mate, but he sided with Mary and Judas’ cracked and bruised heart finally shattered.

He had known this to be a possibility, that Jesus could lose his interest in him, but it all had seemed so genuine. Apparently it had not been genuine after all. Apparently Jesus had other values, apparently Judas had misjudged the whole situation and Jesus as a person. Apparently Jesus would take a thieving prostitute over his own soul-mate.

Judas tried to work through it, he tried to get over it, and he did well, until he saw Jesus kissing Mary. Had it been the other way round, he would have been angry at her, he would have freaked out, but he would have stayed, still trusting Jesus with what he had left of his love for him. But it was Jesus, who was acting first.

Judas acted impulsively. After disturbing them, trying to kiss Jesus desperately, failing, getting slapped, running off, his mind stopped working and his heart took over. There was not much left of it, a sharp-edged, chipped, violated thing it was, that cried out in pain, that told the Pharisees of Jesus’ whereabouts. It was terrible and he threw up after, he had not felt this bad since he had been left out in the harsh winter, barely sixteen, beaten and mistreated, with an empty stomach, leaving a stranger’s house with way too little money for what had been done to him.

Only this time when he left, it was way too much money, they sent him off with.

He felt betrayed, his trust broken and when Jesus dared to call him out for betraying him, when in reality it was the other way round, calling him ‘one that Jesus had loved’, using the past tense, as if to prove to Judas that he did not care any longer, Judas knew it was over, there was nothing to be saved here, no matter what love he still harboured in his heart for Jesus, no matter that his hand ached like an infected wound, the cross in its palm throbbing, he left and he fetched the soldiers.

As he crouched down next to Jesus, who sat in the garden, crying, as he instinctively reached for his face, the face of the man he loved, Jesus surged forward, kissing him and Judas could not help but kiss back. One last time, he would kiss back and remember how his life had been. It was a goodbye, a goodbye of far greater significance than he realised then, but for now he kissed Jesus back, because it was the only thing he could do. Jesus broke the kiss eventually, slumping against Judas’ chest and he held him. Judas held him, pressed tightly against his broken heart and wished Jesus could heal it. When Jesus was ripped away from him as the soldiers got to him, his hand touched Jesus’ naked arm once more and in a daze Judas stumbled away from a soldier with a knife.

Jesus was hurting worse than Judas himself; he would not have thought it possible, but it was the truth. Jesus was hurting, because he knew of the mistakes he had made which led to the mistakes of Judas’ making. Jesus was hurting because of how Judas was hurting. Jesus was hurting because he thought this was farewell. Jesus was hurting because he loved Judas more than anything, but he was leaving and he needed space from Judas first, to make any separation possible. Jesus had thought it would hurt Judas less if he thought Jesus did not want him anymore, than whatever was to come would hurt Judas.

As he saw Jesus being forcefully dragged away, throwing glances back at Judas with a frightened and fragile expression Judas realised what he had done.

He looked down at his palm, looked down on the cross and with a start remembered the impression that had manifested in his mind the first time he had laid his eyes on it. Crosses along a road. And in retrospect one figure on the middle cross looked familiar. Terrifyingly familiar.

Judas knew there was nothing more he could do, because he had messed up his chance at making this right again. He had the warning literally written on his skin.

He went after the soldiers, unsuccessfully. He walked the streets of the city, he ran, he cried, he tried to find him, tried to reverse his actions, finally he went back to the Pharisees, the bag with the silver coins clutched to his chest, accusing them, when he knew he had nobody to blame but himself.

He ran outside, pleading for a change in his destiny, pleading for Jesus to understand, to forgive him. He knew how much Jesus was hurting and he knew how much pain was yet to come. He could not endure it. As he threw the silver coins away, the metal clattering on the floor, reflections shining into his eyes, too bright, almost blinding he saw Jesus before him once more. The coin on his shoulder, shimmering, and he knew then, that this was what destiny had laid out for him. This was what the soul-mark meant. His betrayal, his failure to protect Jesus to love him like a soul-mate was supposed to. Their soul-bond was made for suffering, a special tool just to defeat him. Just to break him, break his heart. Discarding this, his feelings, his entire heart, Judas spoke to God, accused him as well.

How could he have been led here to this point? How could God lead Jesus to this place? Why was this what he ended up doing? Did Judas have no more control over his actions? Or had he never had any control in the first place?

He could not stand the thought of it and while he was still accusing God of the horrible things about to happen to Jesus, an idea formed in his mind. A way to silence these thoughts, no, more than that. A way to spite God, to take away the power he held over Judas.

It was not the first time, Judas contemplated suicide, but it was the first time he saw no other way. When he saw the tree he knew that would be it. When he climbed a low branch to tie the rope around a higher one, the cross in his palm burned, ached. His hand began to shake, weakness seemed to spread in his whole arm. But he continued. It was not difficult with the amount of knots he had made in his life, fishing, building, so many knots, each as secure as the next. He knew exactly what he was doing.

The weakness spread to his legs as he looked back into the direction of the inner city, where Jesus surely was.

He lost hold of the trunk, he lost balance. He fell, tried to gasp for air, felt his muscles contract weakly and then nothing.

And then everything.

And then _‘No!’_ , a terrifying, blood curdling scream.

And then Jesus.

Not even in death, Judas was spared the pain.

He was with Jesus again and yet so far away.

He saw everything.

And nothing.

Saw all of Jesus, his soul.

And was blinded at the same time by the light that came from the mark.

Jesus was nothing, a bleeding, broken mess in a crowded street.

And he was everything.

And Judas suffered with him.

And for him.

No. Never for him.

Jesus endured all.

Torture.

Crucifixion.

Alone.

And then, then after too long.

After too much pain.

After too much suffering.

After too much.

Jesus died.

Two souls merged into one.

Both broken.

Perfect together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it is not sad enough lmao ... :) Kudos and comments greatly appreciated! Otherwise, feel free to hang out with me on [tumblr](https://lokianawinchester.tumblr.com/) or look at my Jesus Christ Superstar posts on [my JCS side blog](https://this-broken-man.tumblr.com/). I'm always open for prompts!


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